However, if you want to put your best foot forward then you're going to have to do it eventually. It may not happen today, tomorrow, or a week from now. You deserve to give yourself the forgiveness and patience you've given to everybody else around you. You won't be able to do anything for anybody if you don't make sure you are okay first. I couldn't be that selfish, even though I knew if she heard my thoughts she'd kick my tail for thinking in such a way. I didn't want to put my burdens on her when she should be worried about Marcus. I let her rock me as I breathed through the hysteria building beneath the surface. "Oh, Kash," She said as she came over to me and wrapped me up in her arms. The only thing that did was make me feel guilty because I was supposed to be the one keeping us afloat while he was locked away.īut that was the thing: he was locked away, and despite the circumstances we were in prior to this reality, I wasn't prepared. I felt like this was all my fault, and I couldn't even bring myself to bypass making sure that he was safe, taken care of, and alive long enough to have an extensive conversation with him. I was so damn tired of crumbling apart like this man was dead, but I didn't know what to do. I shook my head before I pressed my face into my arms. I looked over at her expecting judgement, but was instead met with concern. I closed my eyes as my strumming of Marcus' hands went to a needy hold. "You haven't talked to him directly for more than two minutes have you?" She asked knowingly. "Ma I'll think about it, but I really can't promise you that," I said detached. But it was really hard to do that when my world fell apart at my feet without warning, taking me to the edge to hold on for dear life while everything else fell below with no sign of recovery. I was supposed to be holding it together and keeping my head held high. If Matteo knew how I was treating myself since he'd been taken away he'd be so pissed at me.
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